Sunday, September 28, 2008

What If

I’m a What-If Gal.

My overactive mind is always taking a simple act like breathing and tossing in a “what if we were not meant to breathe the air, but to live in an atmosphere that resembled the amniotic sac?”

Or “what if the common cold was an actual cure for some fatal disease that attacks the body at least yearly?”

Or “what if all babies were switched at birth to prove the theory that if you live with someone long enough, you’ll actually start to resemble them?”

Let me tell you, I get very few hours of sleep and my anxiety level is through the roof.

For years, I thought I was just crazy. Now, I know I’m certifiable... but I wouldn’t change my loco-ness for anything. Maybe, just a good night’s sleep.

One of my biggest fears is flying, and my anxiety kicks in the moment I know I have to get on a plane. The closer to the date, the more scenarios my mind races through. The ride to the airport is riddled with all possibilities of danger befalling me before I even check in. Once at the airport, every person I encounter becomes unwilling characters in my plane disaster flick. The innocent grandmother is turned into a grieving, all-hope-is-gone woman who has lost both her only son and grandson to government red-tape on safety issues, and the only way she can get closure is to send a message to prove this point by taking me and the rest of the passengers with her as she joins her loved ones on the other side. Of course, it could just stop there, but it doesn’t. From here, I then imagine what the “other side” actually is. What if there is a place where plane crash victims enter another dimension (I’ve seen the movie Millennium way too many times and now have resorted to adapting and updating it)?

Okay, okay, so I’m really freaking crazy. Get the straight-jacket and padded room.

I’m scheduled to fly in a couple of weeks. I’ll be attending the CineStory Retreat in Idyllwild, CA., and I’ll be flying from JFK to LAX - and I’m scared shitless. Hell, I don’t think there’s any shit left, so now I’m working on piss - yeah, scared pissless, spitless and tearless. I’m basically mummified.

So, a friend of mind recommended SOAR to help with my fear of flying. I downloaded the program and started listening. One of the things that it explained was that it’s this “what-if” thinking that causes major anxiety. No shit!

While the program encouraged me to come up with a number of “what-if” scenarios, it also encourages me to replace these scenarios with happy thoughts.

I’ve never been one for happy endings.

One of my instructors once commented to our class of writers that “no one writes tragedies anymore. Oh, except for Tracy”.

Yes I Do! I constantly struggle with my endings because my nature is to end them tragically. Not because I rejoice in tragedy, but because I am humbled by the experience.

Okay, okay, it’s because I don’t like to totally escape. I like one foot - or at least toes - planted safely on the ground. The safety in knowing that while the glass is half full, it is also half empty, leaving me more room to fill it up.

Well, since the ADD kicked in, let’s just say... What if I started a blog entry and I lost my train of thought and then the doorbell rang and it was this big-time movie executive whose car broke down and...

Okay, okay... so, basically, I am a “what-if” gal with this huge fear of flying and a shitload of “what-if” scenarios dancing around in my head. There’s no winning here.

Oh, well, I need to take a nap.

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